


I Can't Bring Them Back

by shittyfoureyes



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Bonding, Canon Era, Canonical Character Death, Caretaking, Comfort, Comfort Sex, Coping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Family Loss, Grief/Mourning, Healthy Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, Intimacy, Loss, Loss of Parent(s), Love, M/M, Mild Blood, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Oaths & Vows, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Partnership, Protectiveness, Secrets, Sweet, Trust, Understanding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-05-10 02:26:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5565658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shittyfoureyes/pseuds/shittyfoureyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren misses his mother, and sometimes the pain of loss becomes too much to bear. Levi has known the pain of loss his entire life. He knows that he can't undo the past, nor can he fix the pain of Eren's broken heart. He can never replace what either of them has lost. All they can do now is move on, and Levi will be there to help him rebuild amid the ruins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Icecat45](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icecat45/gifts).



> Thank you, Icy, for being such a great support to me and encouraging me to continue writing. This one is for you and I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> p.s. Congrats on publishing your first fic!

  
  
The sun warms the pane of glass that Eren leans his head against from his perch on the wide, stone windowsill. It is enough to cause him to squint, tears pricking his eyes and nose from the brightness and the effort of keeping them open to watch the people in the bustling courtyard below. The spots in his eyes from the blinding light of the unclouded sky aren’t entirely responsible for his watering eyes.

He doesn’t turn around when a key clicks and turns in the lock, nor does he move when the door behind him opens and shuts and is locked again, choosing instead to keep his attention glued to the happy scene outside the window. Besides, there is only one other person with a key to Corporal Levi’s quarters, and that is the Corporal himself. The room is silent apart from Levi’s footsteps, the slap of a large stack of papers being dropped onto his desk, and the jingling buckles of a harness being removed. The footsteps resume, only a few steps before they stop again, and then Eren feels a set of lips pressing against the back of his shoulder and a strong arm snaking around his waist.

Neither man speaks a word of greeting to each other, though they can both sense the weight of different emotions in the air. Green eyes are focused downward at something outside the bedroom window and Levi looks in that same direction, attempting to identify what exactly it is out there that Eren is looking at with such somber longing. It only takes him a moment of scanning the bustling crowd below before he hones in on two people, and he knows instantly that that’s what has Eren completely transfixed. He knows Eren. Understands him, truly _knows_ him, and he does so on a level far deeper than any other.

Levi is just tall enough to rest his chin upon Eren’s shoulder, giving him an unobstructed view of the castle courtyard while still being able to be close to Eren. There’s a woman outside, her long, brown hair gleaming in the sunlight, her lips curved upward in joy, beside her a small boy with the same brown hair and the same mirthful smile stretched across his cherubic face. The boy points excitedly at each person who passes by, swinging his legs over the edge of a wooden bench beneath a young tree that provides no shade to him or his mother who sits there with him. The woman leans down and says something to the boy when he points at something new, and the boy looks to her and smiles each time _she_ is the one to point something out to him. A farmer with a basket full of produce, then another farmer with a basket at her hip, this one full of flowers. A sparrow pecking at crumbs, a cat dozing on a warm, sunny ledge, a scruffy dog wagging its tail and tongue at the same time.

Eren’s head finally leaves the windowpane, and he turns toward Levi to break the silence of the room with a hushed confession. “I miss my mother.” He sighs and rests his head against the shorter man’s. Eren didn’t have to say it. Levi already knew. Neither is this the first time he’s found Eren in a state of melancholy with misty eyes fixed upon a mother and child.

“I miss mine, too,” Levi says flatly, though not at all coldly. It is the first time Levi has said this, to Eren or anyone, as he prefers not to think of his childhood. It’s not something he wants to remember, but at the same time he does not want to forget, either. If he forgets, he will lose the single, bittersweet memory that he still holds dear. Warm grey eyes smiling at him, the safety and security of a soft breast and the soft arms holding him there, protecting him from the cold of the room and the cold of the world, the sweet voice that sang sweet melodies to gently lull him to sleep or to drown out the confusing and frightening sounds that surrounded them day and night. As it is, he’s already finding that the voice has grown quieter and the angelic face has become blurred, and it scares him to see her sliding through his grip despite desperate attempts to preserve her presence in his mind. Yes, he misses her.

“Levi…?” Eren turns away. He’s returned to staring out the window, yet now his gaze is vacant; he is no longer watching the happy family that fomented this somber mood. His emotive eyes are always bright, but now the sunlight pouring in from the window further illuminates them with its intensity, revealing the brilliant blue and green rays and hidden flecks of gold in those beautiful irises that Levi covets like precious gems. Those sparkling emeralds are even more dazzling with the new wetness pooling in them, and this is why Eren hides them away. Perhaps he is ashamed of his tears, perhaps he is shy in asking, perhaps he is afraid of how Levi may respond, or perhaps it is all three. “Will you tell me about her?”

Levi sighs in response, the warmth of his solid body leaving in the same moment as his breath. Eren holds his own breath in fear and anticipation until Levi beckons him in his comfortingly firm and gentle way, and, upon hearing the word, he releases that breath along with the great tension and anxiety held inside him. “Come."

Eren nearly falls from the windowsill and into Levi’s waiting arms, the onslaught of emotion having drained him of his strength, knees giving out, muscles weak and shaking from the effort of holding back the tide that threatened to overwhelm, and he is too tired to feel ashamed of not being able to stand on his own. Levi’s strength is more than enough to support him in these moments and he sees it as an honor and a privilege to serve him in this way. He leads Eren into his bed, and then into his arms, and his callused fingers slip through silken chestnut locks as he lies back with his beloved against his chest.

“Her name was Kuchel."

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

  
The pair lie there, sunk into the softness and warmth of Levi’s bed, Eren curled into the softness and warmth of Levi’s strong and reassuring arms, and they speak to each other in hushed tones, the air heavy and solemn around them.  
  
“It’s okay to miss the ones you’ve lost,” Levi murmurs into Eren’s hair, pressing his lips to the top of his head. “It’s not a sign of weakness.” Levi says this, though he knows he has always thought differently. He has long believed prolonged grief to be a sign of his own weakness- that, in spite of his constant efforts to do so, he is entirely unable to overcome the pain of loss, failing to ease the ache time and time again, believing himself, the one called Humanity’s Strongest, to be an impostor. Weak, lacking strength, succumbing to grief and tears alone in the cold dark of the many sleepless nights which he now finds too numerous to count.  
  
That is what he thinks of himself. He does not think that of Eren. On the contrary, he thinks Eren should be the one called Humanity’s Strongest, that Eren’s strength far exceeds his own, if not physically, then mentally. Eren has lost even more than he has and bears a burden infinitely more heavy than his own, and not only that, but this horror has been a constant for all of his short life. Eren has far fewer years than he, yet he remains strong, hopeful, determined, his heart is still tender, and he is not as hard and jaded as anyone else would be if they were in his position. Levi admires him immensely for this and for so much more, and he finds that being by Eren’s side gives him strength and fills him with the rare sense of hope that only Humanity’s Last has ever been able to provide.  
  
Levi sighs as he broods over his perceived weakness, and he knows that he is judging himself too harshly. Eren has many times praised him for his strength and courage even in moments of raw emotion such as these, and if he is to trust Eren as fully and completely as he knows he does, he must take him at his word. So, reluctantly, Levi does, accepting the fact that grief is not weakness, neither in Eren, nor in himself, nor in any other human that has ever existed in this world.  
  
Still, it would not do to show this weakness to any other. If he is to bear the title of Humanity’s Strongest, he must always appear strong, for doing so is a source of strength for others. Levi doesn’t mind having the reputation that he is cold, uncaring, lacking in human emotion or love, because he knows that is not the truth. Those who are most important to him are the ones who know the truth, and that is all that matters. Though, it is only Eren who knows the _full_ depth of the truth, and only he has seen Levi in the truest way.   
  
A tremor echoes through the body that is pressed so closely to him that he can feel it in his bones. Levi is shaken from his ruminating thoughts and lowers his unfocused gaze downward, to the boy whose face is hidden in the crook of his shoulder, and only then does he recognize the hot, itching wetness dampening the fabric around his neck and the exposed skin above. This is not a sign of weakness, either, and Levi is quick to bring his slender fingers up to unravel the knot at his throat with practiced efficiency. Levi’s cravat slides away, held instead in his hand, and the warm, moist brush of Eren’s shuddering breaths replace the coolness of the silk. This is true strength. It is strength at its most base level, strength to trust, to allow oneself to be fully vulnerable and open to another.  
  
Levi eases himself up, pulling Eren along with him, and gently nudges the boy’s face from its hiding place. He looks down at those red and watery eyes, always hating to see them like this, always determined to keep them from ever being this way again. Carefully he sets to dabbing the tears from the corners of Eren’s eyes with the edge of his cravat, drying the trails of wetness that run down his cheeks before offering it to Eren. If there’s any way to convey to someone just how much he loves Eren, it’s this. Anyone else who dared to even _think_ about wiping their nose on his pristine white cravat would swiftly find themselves with a few bruised and broken ribs. But for Eren, this action garners not a second thought or single moment of hesitation.  
  
Eren declines, not requiring the use of Levi’s selfless offering, and he gives his Corporal a weak smile before returning to rest his head heavily on Levi’s solid shoulder. Eren’s fingers toy absently with the buttons of Levi’s shirt, and the motion draws Levi’s attention to those irreversibly bloodstained and eternally loving hands. Levi reaches out to take it, squeezing his small hand around one larger than his own. He lifts that hand up to his mouth, Eren’s limp arm giving no resistance, and he gently presses his lips to each fingertip, one after the other until all have been kissed. Levi squeezes the hand one last time before letting it fall back onto his chest, where Eren’s fingers soon resume their circular motion of tracing the edges of smooth, shiny buttons.   
  
Neither man feels the need for words. They choose to enjoy the somber yet comfortable silence together, soaking in the combined warmth, breaths unwittingly becoming synchronized with one another. Tears no longer flow from golden green eyes, and deep blue ones never move from where they watch the movement of fingers on buttons until the silence is broken by a meek, though now composed voice.  
  
“I miss my dad, too, you know. I miss having a-,” Eren’s breath hitches, causing him to pause. “family.”  
  
“I know,” Levi reassures, stroking Eren’s hair, soothing him the best he can.  
  
“Do you? I mean... Do you miss having a family, too?”  
  
“I never had a family, but I always imagined what one would be like.” Eren questions Levi with his eyes, silently hoping for him to continue. “I never knew my father and the only other relative I had was Kenny.” Eren turns his eyes downward when he hears the name associated with so many unpleasant memories and conflicting feelings for both of them.  
  
“At least I still have Mikasa, even though we’re not really related. And Armin. He’s like a brother to me. But… It’s not the same. It’s not the same thing as a real family. I just… I wish they were still alive.” A sniffle punctuates the end of Eren’s sentence and Levi takes it as his cue to hold Eren even tighter, winding his arms around him completely.  
  
“But they’re gone. You can’t dwell on a wish like that. Nothing is ever going to bring back the dead. I wish I could do that for you, Eren, but I can’t. I can't bring them back. I can’t replace what you lost.” Eren sniffles again when Levi says this, and Levi feels him shudder in his arms. He sighs, fully aware that his way with words has always been beyond lacking, and even though Eren knows this, now is not the time to subject him to this shortcoming of his. Levi pushes himself backwards with his legs, pulling Eren away from his chest and grabbing him by the arms, sitting him upright to look straight into his eyes when he speaks.  
  
“I can’t bring your family back, and I’m sorry. The only thing I can do is give you a new one.” Eren appears puzzled at this, knitting his brow briefly, searching Levi’s face for clues and finding none.   
  
“How can you give me a new family? You just said you can't replace them.”  
  
“Easy. We make one.” Levi sounds certain, which confuses Eren even more.   
  
“What do you mean make one? How?”  
  
“The same way everyone does it, Eren. I can’t be a mother or a father or a brother to you, but… I _can_ be your husband.”  
  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

 

“… I can be your husband.”

A stillness descends on the room in the moment after those words are spoken. It's merely a pause, nothing more than a few seconds of held breath and tense silence, yet it feels to Levi like an eternity passing between them, so much so that he's startled when that silence is eventually broken by the sound of Eren's rough voice below him.

"But... you can't be my husband."

Time stops again for Levi. Another pause, silent but for the ringing in his ears and the heartbeat which still holds its rhythm despite his fear that it has ceased its beating forever. He'd never considered marriage before, the concept only occurring to him as a few fleeting thoughts here and there, so his sudden proposal came before he'd considered the possible outcomes of such a proposition. He hadn't been prepared to be rejected, and Eren's answer blindsides him. He swallows against the lump in his throat, head spinning, unable to form the polite words of response that etiquette dictates are to be given in this situation.

Eren detaches himself from Levi's side, rising up and settling on his knees in front of Levi so that he can see the puzzled look on his young lover's face.

"How can you be my husband? You can't marry me. It's not legal for a man to marry another man."

There's another long moment of confusion for the both of them. Finally, understanding dawns on Levi, and he thinks to himself that he should not be at all surprised by Eren's reaction. He hadn't planned this, nor had they ever discussed the topic of marriage, especially not in relation to the two of them. Levi sighs in relief, at least for the time being.

"Says who? Those swine in the interior? They can go fuck themselves. I'll marry you if I damn well please and there's not a goddamn thing they can do about it."

"But," Eren starts to say, whatever else he intended to say after that forgotten. Now it's his turn for understanding to dawn, and when it does his jaw drops with a gasp, his eyes locking with Levi's in disbelief. He blinks once, twice, Levi watching him with the most serious expression, and then that look of disbelief breaks and gives way to joy.

Another wave of relief washes over the older man, and he takes this opportunity to clarify himself in no uncertain terms. He should have done that in the first place, but Eren has a way of inspiring him to do irrational things, whether he knows it or not. Levi pushes himself up from the bed, rising onto his knees to mirror Eren's own position, his actions excessively slow; he's stalling for time, trying to think of what to say. Finally he meets Eren's eyes again, grasping for his hand, demanding his full attention, expression even more serious than before.

"I want to marry you. And I intend to." He catches himself. "... If you'll have me."

"Does this mean we're going to have a wedding?"

"If that's what you want."

"How will we... when will we..." Eren's mind is running in circles. Levi nearly laughs at how well he can see it. He controls himself.

"After you say yes."

It's not Levi but _Eren_ who laughs, the somber mood from before all but forgotten in his excitement.

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

"... After you say yes."  
  
Eren's laughter soon tapers into silence as he fully realizes serious nature of this proposal, and he stares at Levi, shellshocked. "Levi...?"  
  
He sees that Levi's expression is an earnest one, and his words to him carry no trace of anything but determination and honesty. He means it. Levi wants to marry him. Levi wants to be his _husband_ , his _family_.  
  
"Eren...?" Unlike before, there is a small trace of something in Levi's voice- uncertainty.  
  
The brunet's heart thumps, and he thinks he feels it rise into his throat. He has to swallow it back down to where it belongs before he can even attempt to form words. And Levi sees this as much as he hears it, his body tightening in response as if to brace him for impact.  
  
"You really want to marry me?" He's certain that Levi is serious, but still, he can't quite believe it.  
  
"Yes. More than I've ever wanted anything in my entire life. Please..." Levi knows he shouldn't, but he just can't keep his plea from spilling from his lips. "Please say yes."

Time stops. And then, he has his answer.  
  
"I will. Yes."  
  
Levi releases the biggest sigh his lungs have ever mustered, and he's spent his entire life narrowly escaping death. The snapping jaws of titans have never instilled as much fear in him as this one simple question has. Relief settles over him like a blanket, soft and euphoric as it enfolds his entire body in its comforting warmth. Yes. Eren will have him.  
  
"But... _how?_ " Just because Levi _says_ he'll marry him if he pleases him doesn't make it any more legal. There's no way a church of the walls would ever let them set foot inside, no reverend of the goddesses would ever dream of agreeing to join them under its steeple, no bells would ring at their union. It's a lovely thought, but...  
  
"I'll marry you right here, right now. No church, no goddamned goddesses or scriptures or any of that useless bullshit. There's only one part of the ceremony that matters, and we don't need anyone but us for that."  
  
Eren is no less confused, but Levi seems resolute. Suddenly Levi pushes him away and stands, leaving him alone in the bed. This unexpected loss confuses Eren even more, and he sits up with the intention of following Levi wherever it is he's going. He's about to stand but freezes in place when Levi drops to one knee in front of him. Levi reaches out for his hand, taking it in his own with such a softness that Eren shivers. Levi's thumb brushes the back of his hand for a spell, and then he meets Eren's astonished eyes with a such an intense look that Eren gasps at seeing it.  
  
Levi steadies himself. If there ever was a time where his words must be perfect and correct, it's now. He can't hesitate, though, he can't worry, or else his words will be stumbling and unclear. He'll just have to trust himself to succeed, and thus he charges headfirst into unfamiliar territory.  
  
"Eren Jäger, you are my first and only love, and there has never been anything I've wanted more than to spend the rest of my life beside you." Okay, he thinks, I can do this. "I promise to protect and defend you, and stand with you even if humanity turns its back on you. I will kill for you, I will die for you, I will shield you from harm until my dying breath. I will put your needs before my own, and I will give the best of me to you and only you. I give you my life, my loyalty, my trust, and my entire being, body and soul to do with as you please. There would be no greater honor than for you to accept me and take me as yours. This is my solemn vow."  
  
Eren remains silent, his green eyes wide and unblinking. He stares, and Levi does not look away.  
  
"Eren," Levi whispers, eyes pleading, "Will you grant me this? Will you allow me to become yours?"  
  
Eren's voice cracks when he says yes.  
  
Levi is overjoyed, but his joy shatters and his heart drops when he realizes his mistake.  
  
"Shit. A ring. Shit, I'm an asshole, I'm supposed to give you a ring when I do this. Eren, let me do this--"  
  
"We don't need rings," says Eren thoughtfully, recalling a distant memory from a time long before his own. "I know something better."  
  
Levi now watches on in confusion as Eren pulls a knife from a pouch at his hip. He has no earthly clue what Eren is thinking when he lets go of his hand and holds his palm up in front of him.  
  
"Do you trust me?"  
  
Though he can't imagine why Eren has a knife in his hand, or what he intends to do with it, his answer is quick and true. "Yes."  
  
Nevertheless, there's still a sliver of doubt that arises at seeing what Eren is about to do. A brief moment of fear, or perhaps worry, but his trust in his lover remains unshakeable.  
  
Eren presses the blade's edge to his palm, and slash of crimson appears on his flesh. As a wisp of steam begins to rise from the cut, Eren looks deeply into Levi's eyes. He turns the blade,  and extending the butt of it toward Levi, beseeching him to take it.  
  
Levi understands. He understands what he's to do next, and more significantly than that, he sees the blood and becomes acutely, _unmistakably_ aware of why Eren asked if he trusted him.  
  
He takes the blade from Eren's unmarred hand, watching the blood evaporate into nothing right before his very eyes. Steadily, he mirrors those actions, slicing open the meat of his palm, far more shallowly than Eren, but deep enough to shed blood. Eren smiles, and Levi feels the steam and blood warm against his skin when Eren laces their hands together.  
  
In that instant, he understands. It _is_ better than a worthless trinket, for they are now joined as one blood.  
  
Levi's pulled up from where he knelt between Eren's legs, hands never parting, and grey eyes and green are both smiling when their lips meet. Their mouths part, lips still upturned in joy, and they rest their foreheads together, closing their eyes and soaking in one another's presence until no more steam rises from between their shaking hands.  
  
"I love you," Levi whispers against Eren's lips, bringing his fingers to brush through Eren's hair as he nuzzles his nose. "Thank you."  
  
"Levi--" A kiss interrupts him, but he can't find it in himself to complain. He simply enjoys the moment and the warmth swelling in his chest. When Levi finally relinquishes his mouth, he tries again. "Levi, what about my vows?"  
  
"You already gave me yours." Levi leans in to steal another kiss, and Eren still doesn't fight the interruption.  
  
"But..." The younger man's protest trails off when Levi explains by lifting his hand to his lips, tenderly kissing the place where blood flowed minutes before. "Oh." Eren glances down at Levi's other hand, upturned on his knee, and sees the cut that has only just begun to scab over. That must hurt, he thinks to himself. And suddenly, another thought occurs to him, and his eyes go wide once again.  
  
"So... I guess that means this is our wedding night."  
  
Levi looks up, thoughtful.  
  
"I suppose it does."  
  
  
  



End file.
